Today in words

A rare back to back posting. This might be coming along fine now and one day i might publish something. I will just leave it here now for me to read a few decades in the future and decide for myself.

I am feeling depressive today. Once again, I am overcome with negative feelings of unhappiness and depression. I really need to find a way for me to not wake up anymore in this place. I think i will do fine in the place i was a month ago but coming back here just brought all these waves and rush of negativity into my being once again.

I need to get out of here. The weather sucks. The people sucks. The insects sucks. Everything here sucks. I tell people the only reason i come back here is for family but even that sucks. Truth be told and not to sound unfilial, I do not even feel anything for my family anymore. I do not care about them insofar as the need to care for them is concerned. I just really need to find my own wings and fly.

I am most willing to go back there and live as a normal being without the ugly vulgar display of wealth. There i am physically not wealthy but spiritually a billionaire. In singapore, i am physically comfortable but spiritually a pauper. So the choice is obvious.

Writing can be therapeutic and also helps one to unravel a lot of mysteries, I think i just uncovered one tonight.

Thank you. 

The more things changed the more they stay the same

I am no longer as prolific a writer as I was many moons ago.

The inspiration has ceased. The thoughts blurred by copious amount of alcohol I introduce into my bloodstream on a daily basis. I am drinking way too much for my own good. But I am addicted. I can't help myself. I have to seek out the bottle night after night after night.

I thought that bringing a new life into this world would change things but how wrong I was. I am still the same person. Perhaps the only things that has changed is the lack of libido but I attribute that more to an age thing rather than having a child at home.

I miss my life away from home. Where I am living a lifelong dream of being in that city. I was only there for 14 months but I am trying my bloody best to get there and live there again. I would really love to.

Once again, I am left wishing I had never been born into this world. I want to get away from it. I wish I do not wake up. I wish for my life to end.

Can someone please do me a favour and put me out of this misery? I have too much cowardice to bring that release upon myself. Somebody help me please. I am begging you. 

Niu Nai

This was something totally weird and random from 11 years ago. How apt I am suddenly reading this now as I was just thinking to myself earlier today how my life has moved along over the past 10 years. Lots had happened but nothing concrete going on in my life. I had achieved plenty of highs, being Director of Operations and also subsequently GM of various organisations but what had that brought me in life? Another day older and deeper in debt. It is weird. The more I achieved the less I had attained. I am now living my life scraping through every day. Gone were the days when I bought things and went travelling without a nary of care. Nowadays, I am wary of every single pence I spend. I buy cheap clothes. I wear £12 jacket that keeps me warm during the cold winter months whereas not so many moons ago those £12 would have represented a light snack on the way home from work. I ponder and researched prior to spending £5 on a pair of earphones whereas in a forgotten life, I would have bought $150 earphones in a heartbeat. Oh how I have regressed. Oh how I have sunk to a new low. And I never thought this possible. How low this ebb can get.

Somebody save me.

And now, for the words that have travelled through time.

11 years ago, I have absolutely no idea what I was saying. I will try my very best to decipher myself, the me from many many moons ago.



"she sent me really weird messages on friday..
its been six months since her name last appeared in my inbox..
i can't even begin to decide whether its welcomed or unwelcomed..
thank god for those..
though i have to admit there were really GS moments when my phone beeped..
those CT moments eventually steered me closer to home base..
away from milk drinking debauchery..
and fountains of wayne notions of the unnecessary

baggage indeed...."