In summary

"Wishful crystal
Water covers everything in blue
Coolin' water
Wishful sinful
Our love is beautiful to see
I know where I would like to be
Right back where I came

Wishful, sinful, wicked blue
Water covers you
Wishful, sinful, wicked you
Can't escape the blue

Magic risin'
Sun is shinin' deep beneath the sea
But not enough for you and me and sunshine
Love to hear the wind cry
Wishful sinful
Our love is beautiful to see
I know where I would like to be
Right back where I came

Wishful, sinful, wicked blue
Water covers you
Wishful, sinful, wicked you
Can't escape the blue
Love to hear the wind cry
Love to hear you cry, yeah, yeah"
- Wishful Sinful, The Doors

Misty

A long time ago.. I ended a wonderful union which still leaves me with regrets up till today.. I have always complained about how young my partner then was and how her immature attitudes really tick me off at times.. I was constantly bitching about how great it would be to be with someone matured.. someone who can understand the more important things in life rather than the romanticized notion of being emotional and sentimental with a partner.. and yet.. at hindsight.. I would have to seriously say tat she had been someone who was like tat and I was the unsettled one.. the immature one who wasn’t ready to settle down and still want to roam around… sometimes it really does take a hard knock to make one realize wat is good for oneself.. but then.. its good that i've been thru this episode.. packed up the emotional baggage and moved on to become a better person from the experience..

Which is why it’s a good thing tat we’ve all moved on and grew stronger from all these.. the last relationship was a real nightmare and I wouldn’t be missing tat anytime soon.. its really a matter of so long farewell.. bye bye.. let our paths never cross again in this life… dun really wish to talk about it here.. its stupid and unnecessarily disturbing cos my parents were involved in this.. who would think tat at 30.. these are the things tat still kept my parents up at night.. my goodness.. how totally not in congruence with the person tat I wanna be..

Which is why I am happy with my life now.. being at peace with myself is a state of mind I had not been able to be in for the past 2-3 years of my life.. there was always a conflict within myself for reasons which I cannot truly fathom.. I had been trying to be someone I was not and perhaps tat was wat contributed to this battle tat I fought with myself.. looking back.. these are really struggles tat are stupid and childish.. the need to prove myself in light of wat the previous generation have achieved is something tat is weighing me down constantly.. oh how I would love to just be myself.. which I am now.. in a way.. totally free of worries and is 100% willing to let go of the things I have lost.. moving on is the best way to deal with these.. being mired in the past would only translate to a present state of unstable mental welfare which would lead to a future of the same turmoil.. so snapping out of it now is a beautiful sensation and I am most glad I have someone who is totally wonderful and understanding sharing this moment with me.. walking with me.. not judging me.. holding my hands.. reassuring me tat all is fine.. being silly with me when I need to let go and lending me a listening ear when I need to just talk and talk and talk..

If only I could

there are times when one wish one can turn back the clock to that period of time when one made a serious mistake and hope to erase that from the memory and move on.. but its tough at times because we are only humans and are still subjected to the same shitty humanity of emotions, sentiments, anger.. so after that conversation last nite, it made me think real hard whether i still want to go all out along this entrepreneurial mindset after having been bitten hard.. for the first time in a really long while, i have half the mind to really give it all up and just mire myself in a life i would have classified as mediocre as recently as 3 months ago.. and yet.. this is not anything that is bad at all.. i guess it just calls for an adjustment of mindset and attitudes.. a revision of the expectations i set upon myself.. this is heavy.. it might potentially dictate the landscape that i will find myself in when my hair is greying and my joints do not carry me far anymore..

i have always tot of myself as strong-willed, fearless and ambitious but i've amazingly lost a lot of that zest when i examine my behaviour in recent weeks.. i've become rather meek and that freaking risk taker in me seemed to have disembarked at the previous station.. without me realising it!! ok.. its always good to take calculated risk but not at the expense of becoming another cog in the machine.. i want to be the prime mover.. the engine room.. not just another gear tat keeps things going along.. and yet.. here i am.. contemplating becoming just tat! and i mean seriously.. fighting on requires a lot more energy that has been sapped from my being.. where can i draw new strength? where can i learn to fight on? or should i even be fighting at all?

Understanding

attitudes have changed and behaviour have been modified.. met up with an old fren today and he had been on leave for 3 weeks.. just taking some time off from work since the christmas holidays to take a well reserved rest.. i know he had been working hard for the longest time and this is a good time to unwind a little.. i was surprised to find tat his attitudes toward certain matters have changed somewhat.. here was a man who steadfastly held on to his beliefs but i've seen these values disappeared into thin air this time round we met up..

perhaps going through too many emotional roller coaster had given him a new perspective of life and he is more willing to experiment.. which i cant say for certain whether its good or bad cos my new year resolution is to avoid the very same activities he is currently engaged in~!! i've managed to keep last year's very much in line and is in a way proud of myself.. not tat its a tall task in any case..

wat i want to say is.. time do change a person.. sometimes for better.. sometimes for worse.. looking back over the past 2-3 years of my life.. i had not been too exemplary in my own behaviours and general outlook of life.. after a short getaway trip.. my mind is very much more at ease and i have a clearer picture of the person tat i want to be for the next 30-40 years of my life.. i hope i dun play the last holy fool again..

*fingers crossed~!!*

On a sleepless night like this

omigosh! its 5.30am on the clock and here i am.. wide awake! i was tossing around in bed a little just now but i just cant seem to fall asleep.. after 3 episodes of little britain.. the jokes are beginning to thin.. i now fully understand why keith said this series is best consumed in little doses.. there is this much a person can take of the kinda humour dished out by the brilliant duo... my mind is a total blank now.. but yet.. sleep is not coming over me.. somebody help me..

been catching up on some work the whole of today.. which is not very much at all considering the lack of flow coming in on the business side of things.. but i'll leave tat worrying for later.. somehow i just feel completely void of emotions of late.. the only thing i could feel is missing the times spent with family in europe.. perhaps the freaking chilly winter nites in london had frozen my brain to a stage where i am incapable of proper cognitive abilities.. nah.. its just that my mind had not been put to much use of late and seriously.. its a terrible terrible thing to waste.. a fren who questioned me on aspects of my trip had me stumped for answers over supper a little earlier.. yet.. these are simple facts or info about places any idiot could recall with minimal effort! am i really losing the use of my most powerful and sexy organ? noo but yeah but noo but yeah but noo but yeah but noooo...

so.. i've managed to stay off the alcohol since coming back to sg but the amount of nicotine entering my lungs have increased.. i realised tat i am smoking more frequently after my trip and do realise the urgent need to quickly arrest this trend.. i have a sneaky suspicion tat over excessive amounts of ciggie might have contributed to my insomnia.. oh wat the hell.. its only 8.30pm in london now! i think we might have just finished dinner and is helping to clear the dishes!! time to sit down on the couch.. have a nice little chat over some fermented grapes.. but tats happening 10000km away.. damn...

He paid a visit to his brother and then he.......

Walk on down the hall~!!

happy new year!!

its been a while since i last posted anything since i was away for about 2 weeks.. wow.. cant believe tat 2 weeks is over just like tat.. after a prolonged period of eating excessively and drinking excessive amounts of wine nite after nite.. i'm finally home and dry.. been nice visiting my brother and his partner in london.. and then going for a very enriching trip to paris and also.. pay a visit to the lizard king at the pere lachaise cemetary.. walk on down the hall~!!

having said that.. the visit was strangely anti-climatic.. after walking around aimlessly in pere lachaise for quite a while.. we were finally able to locate the gravestone that looked ordinary for someone who used to be the top of the heap amongst reptiles.. not tat morrison would have wanted anything grand or elaborate for this purpose but its just very subdued.. quite unlike the colorful character tat he was when he was alive.. you'd think tat having made so much money out of the morrison legacy.. the surviving members of the doors.. the morrisons and the coursons would build a more elaborate shrine to the man for his millions of fans around the world to visit.. but noooo.. its all about the money i guess.. when the lizard king was alive.. his father refused to acknowledge him.. but they are now very protective of his rights and images.. for it roll in the bucks for them.. a nice pension fund from a deviant son..

and as a fitting tribute to the ways of the chicak king.. we stayed in a little hotel in the seedy streets of pigalle in paris.. its actually unintentional but it adds a nice touch to the morrison effect of the trip i guess! hahahahaha...