Alone Again, Naturally

In a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top
Will throw myself off
In an effort to
Make it clear to whoever
Wants to know what it's like When you're shattered

Left standing in the lurch at a church
Were people saying, My God, that's tough
She stood him up
No point in us remaining
We may as well go home
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally
To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to who wouldn't do
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about, God in His mercy

Oh, if he really does exist
Why did he desert me
In my hour of need
I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally
It seems to me that
There are more hearts broken in the world
That can't be mended

Left unattended
What do we do
What do we do
Alone again, naturally
Looking back over the years
And whatever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to hide the tears

And at sixty-five years old
My mother, God rest her soul
Couldn't understand why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start
With a heart so badly broken
Despite encouragement from me

No words were ever
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

- Gilber O' Sullivan, Alone Again Naturally

Take Me Home

I want to be home.

In a place where I do not belong and yet I do.

The place needs me more than I need the place. But right now it feels the opposite.

Time will tell. I will do well. I have became a good driver when there but now I have unfortunately reverted back to a lousy form. This is bad. I need to get out of here to make me a better person.

I will be a much much better person back there in W4.

In W4 I belong.

I will be back SOON.

Hiya! 

Today in words

A rare back to back posting. This might be coming along fine now and one day i might publish something. I will just leave it here now for me to read a few decades in the future and decide for myself.

I am feeling depressive today. Once again, I am overcome with negative feelings of unhappiness and depression. I really need to find a way for me to not wake up anymore in this place. I think i will do fine in the place i was a month ago but coming back here just brought all these waves and rush of negativity into my being once again.

I need to get out of here. The weather sucks. The people sucks. The insects sucks. Everything here sucks. I tell people the only reason i come back here is for family but even that sucks. Truth be told and not to sound unfilial, I do not even feel anything for my family anymore. I do not care about them insofar as the need to care for them is concerned. I just really need to find my own wings and fly.

I am most willing to go back there and live as a normal being without the ugly vulgar display of wealth. There i am physically not wealthy but spiritually a billionaire. In singapore, i am physically comfortable but spiritually a pauper. So the choice is obvious.

Writing can be therapeutic and also helps one to unravel a lot of mysteries, I think i just uncovered one tonight.

Thank you. 

The more things changed the more they stay the same

I am no longer as prolific a writer as I was many moons ago.

The inspiration has ceased. The thoughts blurred by copious amount of alcohol I introduce into my bloodstream on a daily basis. I am drinking way too much for my own good. But I am addicted. I can't help myself. I have to seek out the bottle night after night after night.

I thought that bringing a new life into this world would change things but how wrong I was. I am still the same person. Perhaps the only things that has changed is the lack of libido but I attribute that more to an age thing rather than having a child at home.

I miss my life away from home. Where I am living a lifelong dream of being in that city. I was only there for 14 months but I am trying my bloody best to get there and live there again. I would really love to.

Once again, I am left wishing I had never been born into this world. I want to get away from it. I wish I do not wake up. I wish for my life to end.

Can someone please do me a favour and put me out of this misery? I have too much cowardice to bring that release upon myself. Somebody help me please. I am begging you. 

Niu Nai

This was something totally weird and random from 11 years ago. How apt I am suddenly reading this now as I was just thinking to myself earlier today how my life has moved along over the past 10 years. Lots had happened but nothing concrete going on in my life. I had achieved plenty of highs, being Director of Operations and also subsequently GM of various organisations but what had that brought me in life? Another day older and deeper in debt. It is weird. The more I achieved the less I had attained. I am now living my life scraping through every day. Gone were the days when I bought things and went travelling without a nary of care. Nowadays, I am wary of every single pence I spend. I buy cheap clothes. I wear £12 jacket that keeps me warm during the cold winter months whereas not so many moons ago those £12 would have represented a light snack on the way home from work. I ponder and researched prior to spending £5 on a pair of earphones whereas in a forgotten life, I would have bought $150 earphones in a heartbeat. Oh how I have regressed. Oh how I have sunk to a new low. And I never thought this possible. How low this ebb can get.

Somebody save me.

And now, for the words that have travelled through time.

11 years ago, I have absolutely no idea what I was saying. I will try my very best to decipher myself, the me from many many moons ago.



"she sent me really weird messages on friday..
its been six months since her name last appeared in my inbox..
i can't even begin to decide whether its welcomed or unwelcomed..
thank god for those..
though i have to admit there were really GS moments when my phone beeped..
those CT moments eventually steered me closer to home base..
away from milk drinking debauchery..
and fountains of wayne notions of the unnecessary

baggage indeed...."

Nightmare on 14JBT

On this day.. History repeated itself.. The trouble just kept coming back..

The difference is.. This time round.. I added on to the trouble.. by marrying this madness on 12 July 2015.. What the fuck was I thinking? I am just this stupid fool who keeps turning the screws on his life and make it more and more miserable..

This woman is madness.. absolute rubbish.. and keeps me in a prison..

Death right now seems like the only solution..

I pray that I do not wake up from my sleep...

God please take me away..

Nightmare on Fidelio Street

this is horrible..

the last thing that I wanted was for my parents to be disturbed.. and people who knows this exploited it.. she tried to pull my family down in her misery.. this is horrendous!

I really need to take stock of what is going on here.. I have invited this trouble upon myself.. wherever I am and whatever I am going through is a result of my own doing.. I brought this upon myself and while it is ok for me to suffer.. I do not wish to see my parents being dragged through the mud as well..

I need to go away for a while.. escape.. hide.. do whatever it takes in order for no harm to come to my family..

time to correct the wrong..

Music Filled Weekend

this weekend was really filled with music..

anybody who knows me well knows that music is the backbone of my existence.. I love music and I love making music.. albeit with my limited talent.. I may struggle to translate this passion into tangible or audible output..

having said that.. I watched 2 shows in one day.. a movie and a stage musical..

strangely.. both featured songs from singers that while I do know their song.. wasn't particularly a big fan of..

one is an American singer who sang the theme song to one of my all time favourite movies.. one who sang a song that was mashed with U2's rooftop escapades.. one who claimed big girls don't cry and reminded me to walk like a man.. while I do appreciate these songs.. they were never really a mainstay of my playlists or inspired me big time..

another featured the songs of a short arse from up north who always proclaimed Singapore to be his home.. he is arrogant.. attention seeking and honestly ugly as hell.. but some of his songs accompanied me in my growing up years.. so its probably a case of the songs meaning something but I still freaking hate the singer/songwriter..

so I was adequately inspired in the theatre.. some of the girls were really cute as well.. maybe tats why I always love music...

musicians are supposed to promiscuous..!! I love that saying!! Amen~!!

 

All I Wanna Do

I dunno what the hell am I getting myself into..

I probably shouldn't be doing this on so many different levels for so many different reasons..

she is way too inexperienced.. young and sheltered to be subjected to harmful elements like me..

I have someone at home who is very dedicated to me albeit being a bit off tangent and controls me too much.. I feel like I am in a prison yet it is unfair to blame my captor for I have voluntarily subjected myself to be imprisoned..

We work together so it might be wrong to be involved..

I am not exactly a free agent according to the rules of engagement..

yet.. I cannot pry myself away from this.. I dunno what the hell I am doing..

why oh why.. does this happen over and over again...

Strong Enough

i am falling again.. I cannot believe it..

why do I always find myself in the same situation.. being in a state of peace.. stability.. and then trying my utmost to undo the status quo by being a holy fool all over again..

yet my heart cannot help feeling a certain way.. the way it beats faster and slower at the same time.. the way the whole room just seems to light up the minute someone so small walks in.. illuminating its entirety..

the shared meals and quick chats.. online.. virtual.. mobile or in person..

the isolation that draws me nearer.. the distant that makes me feel closer.. the coldness that warms me.. there's something about the impasse that is annoyingly attractive and frustratingly alluring..

my heart is captured again.. my mind is imprisoned.. I cannot stop thinking of one so minute.. yet is a giant in my being..

damn Yankees say it best.. can you take me high enough!
 

1942? Many years before i was born

had a really long and good day.. walked 6km through the botanic gardens.. had a shoot about at the small pathetic basketball court at 1 kay siang but still managed to raise a sweat.. caught a really poignant movie about the famine in henan in 1942.. wonderful and powerful movie about the power and might of human survival coupled with the ugly truth about power.. corruption.. and all the evil that lurks beneath that shitez..

having said that.. i was reminded once again of how the rising sun made use of human propaganda.. human psychology and insane brutality to attempt to conquer asia.. and failed miserably.. thank god above for fat boy and little man.. blasting them to smitterens.. and also the natural disasters that continue to rock this sorry race of people up to today.. i whispered a thanks to heaven everytime they are rocked.. as a gentle reminder that they have yet to pay for their war crime.. this savage shit piece excuse of a human race...

so i am made to ponder over and over again tonight.. about the consequence of action.. about the folly of being human.. about letting human instincts take charge..

i pray for god to deliver me tonight once again...

the shoju speaketh....

Thousand Autumns

Cheering me while I eat with pigs
Herein lies the flesh thats weak
In my glance I glance a peek
Keeping me adrift the peak
Alas the dessert has arrived~!!
My mind astray those lonely nights
In Nippon land I found the light
You made me feel so young again
And never shall I feel this pain
Here I lost and found the way
Against the grain we both shall sway
Run to the hills that's capped away
Alas the dessert has arrived~!!

Bye Bye Fuji Land

have you felt this way? everything's the same.. where tomorrow.. is today..

those are but lyrics i wrote so many moons ago to signal a brand new day.. a brand new morning where the people of the world came out to play..

the came is mean to be pensive.. to simulate thoughts.. to simulate a thinking process.. the words preceding spoke of a brand new day and yet the words following signalled a throw back to the past..

that is the very nature of human existence.. the more things change the more they stay the same.. i was like this when i was 20.. i am still like that now..

attracting the attention.. from the same age bracket.. as we move along.. we still have 20 falling at our feet and absolutely in awe of us.. we wonder why.. we have not done anything to draw them in and yet they are drawn.. they are intrigued.. they are keen and shall learn from this..

one day i shall be back and i shall conquer the origins of the courts that spawned a thousand autumns.. so until we meet again.. i wish you take care of yourself and do not tire yourself out.. china is rising up as a major power so please i pray for your soul that you do not try too hard to undo the shift in balance.. just be yourself and try to cope with the dogma.. the central kingdom shall rise again and be the almighty.. maybe not in my lifetime but i am assured that my future generations shall walk with their head held high and mingle with the elite while the brown waste continue to play second third or fourth fiddle as they had always been.. this is a creed that has never and never will be the powers that be.. they shall always exist to serve and clean after the elite and smell the anal vapour that emit from our very bottom while we are lost in thoughts..

learn to cope CM.. and until we meet again.. which will be very soon i assure you.. take good care of yourself and god bless you.. wherever he is from..

Brand New Skies

tonight i have sorted out my tots.. i will wrest control and put things into my own hands.. i will make my own path and destiny and pursue my passion.. my longing..

i shall do it and succeed..

yeah!

Take Me Away

i am so tired of this place..
i don't mean that literally.. place in this instance is talking about the physical and psychological state of being.. in a limbo state.. in a state of hanging.. in a state of realising that your wife is still in your stratosphere.. still lingering in your mindshare.. still occupies a very very special place in your heart.. that is when you realise these are the ties that bind.. and yet there are cancerous prying forces that rip at the seams.. tear you apart.. the foreign invasion.. the necessary family evil..

life is a fine balance.. it is difficult to pry yourself from the interwined web of bondage and ties that one wish one can be sans of.. i am so tired.. please lord.. take me away.. deliver me from this current existence.. i do want to go.. far far away from these heartache and pain and sorrow.. i need deliverance.. i need a way out.. this is not a coward's stance.. it is the very fabric of someone who is so tired and so weary of all the emotional roller coster that he just wants to pull the plunge.. plummet the carriage.. and end the ride for eternity.. it is difficult to ride on based on current climate.. it is not humanly possible...

i thank the thousands of original courts in autumn for this enlightenment.. if not for the mighty chestnut and its sweet tooth effect on me many hours ago.. i would have never realised the impact that the imhabitants of this city can have on me.. make me think.. ponder.. pine and finally whine...

Lord.. i pray tonight.. please.... Take Me Away

take me away

take me away...

Note to Myself

away in a foreign land
missing a mama mia girl..
so many thousand autumns drifted away to an original court...

So Damn Tired

i miss the days of being carefree.. of having no one to answer to.. of living life the way i want to

Tokyo

here i am.. in a land where i never really liked..
somehow.. it had been a strange combi.. melancholy..
i feel sad yet glad..
the thousand autumn of original court beckons..
yet cast me away at weird timings...
and gave mixed signals of weirdness..
should i stay or should i go?
communication barrier is not the only issue here..
its the gap.. the culture.. the difference in perception...
the mighty chestnut started it all...

i feel very sad now.. i am so down.. so lonely.. so in need of someone

yet i realised.. i brought this upon myself....

Tie eeed

i am settling down soon...

am i happy? yes i am...

sure? pretty damn sure...

gonna last the distance?? damn sure i am..

but yet somewhat.. i miss the old times when i was free.. creative.. and roamed foreign land without a care in this world...

can i rewind? no way...

need i? dun think so...

should i? dun even go there brudder..

i just miss my muse.. my adventures.. and my sense of being...

Float like a butterfly.. Sting like a bee~!!

ooh another 6 months of inactivity you poor blog.. lots has happened for the pass 6 moons.. but the most important update must be my plans and intentions to settle down towards the end of the year.. the date is tentatively set for boxing day 2010.. its the D day.. i never really tot this day would be upon me so quickly but i am already 35.. not getting any younger either.. its about time i guess.... and this left feels right...

fingers crossed now.. am making the most important decision of my life..

Purple Peckered Perv

guitar burns bright~!!

The sky is red,
I don't understand,
past midnight
I still see the land.

People are sayin'
the woman is damned,
she makes you burn
with a wave of her hand.

The city's a blaze,
the town's on fire.
The woman's flames are reaching higher.
We were fools,
we called her liar.
All I hear is "Burn!"

I didn't believe she was devil's sperm.
She said, "Curse you all, you'll never learn!
When I leave there's no return."
The people laughed till she said, "Burn!"
Warning came, no one cared.
Earth was shakin',
we stood and stared.
When it came no one was spared.
Still I hear "Burn!"

You know we had no time,
we could not even try.
You know we had no time.
You know we had no time,
we could not even try.

You know we had no time.
The sky is red,
I don't understand,
past midnight
I still see the land.
People are sayin' the woman is damned,
she makes you burn with a wave of her hand.
Warning came,
no one cared.
Earth was shakin,
we stood and stared.

When it came no one was spared.

Still I hear "Burn!"

Deep Purple, Burn

High Ground

We stood on high ground and spoke about the past.. she was cautious and yet i could read someone rather insecure and unsure about how she should act.. be and manifest around me..

it was nice.. it was sincere.. everything was natural..

yet.. evil tots came rushing back.. ill feelings were clearly evident in the under current.. things werent as glossy as they first appear..

but she's still hawt tho....

damn~!!!!!!!!

My Little Niece

the larsens are coming to visit mid dec!! so exciting..

my little niece will always hold a special place in my heart bcos she is the first in line in the next bloodline within my immediate family circle.. tats gotta count somewhat.. but oh wait.. dear leo is so darn sweet and cute.. everybody forgets him just cos he is always the easy going and "chill" baby.. not wanting attention... getting on with things.. and moving along just so very very fine..

anyways.. i am so looking forward to them visiting.. i cant wait to cradle little chloe and leo in my arms and walk rambo with them all over again... i gotta thank the blackened ones cos its them tat caused my sister to wanna travel back to singapore and be in a safe haven away from the abnn... and thus i can see my lovely immediate "far away' family all over and over again!!

woo hoo~!!

We Are Running

we are willing and able..
and yet life finds its own full circle
over and over again we go through the same
seems like we never learn from whatever mistakes we made
or rather.. the mistakes seem to come look for us again and again
yet each time.. we succumb to it..
wonder why...

Good Fellows?

my oh my.. who the hell are these pple?

during tat conversation.. i can feel the independence.. the distance.. and yet.. sense a certain bond and draw.. its a situation of 2 opposing force at work.. for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction.. newton said it best...

so what should i read of it? how should i react? how can i harness the dynamics and energy.. ironically i just told a fren this afternoon to just let it be.. and as brett anderson said it so well so many moons ago.. everything will flow.. and yet.. during this midnight hour.. i read too much into it..

the invitation was there.. the overtures apparent.. and yet.. i distant myself.. perhaps the wound from the previous was too fresh to ignore and move on.. perhaps i have too much moral obligations and principles for my own good....

life is a roller coaster.. those who went solo came back into a state of being in a tasteless boyband.. covering up the talent in search of the mighty buck

The One With The Times We Never Had

compromise is never a good thing.. i think its a way overrated word.. some word that a cunning linguist conjured up in order to find order in matters or circumstances that should never be justified.. how can one give up personal conviction and value systems just to let a square fit into a circle? its an unnatural state of being this..

its time to right the wrong..

Canary 24 hours

this is the weirdest sensation.. to be physically near someone yet feel miles apart in terms of connectivity.. its not wrong... nor is it abnormal.. its just the natural evolution of time and space which has resulted in a state of being tat is both inexplicable and intriguing at the same time....

lois lane always had a problem with spelling in the christopher reeve series of superman movie which went wayward after the 2nd edition.. perhaps its the richard donner being sidetracked and waylaid episode tat left mr supes very little space to be what he wanted to achieve with the franchise vs what was realistically granted to him as creative genius......

anyways.. back to the main gist of the post... we are counting down to the days of being in a state of permanent rest.. and yet the journey from here to then is going to be laden with trials and tribulations that life throws you.. ready or not... its not an option for us to exercise... taking things in your stride and learning from past mistakes is the most important state of mind for most of us mere mortals.....

all i can do is to hope and pray.......................

its got what it takes

oh wow.. more than half a year without any updates in this blog.. pretty amazing stuff... i scrolled down and read some of the posts dating to way back in 2005.. very touching to read about the different life experience i had when i just turned 30.. eventually ending up where i am today.. my best bud's married.. i am planning my own sometime next year.. the may queen is truly buried and forgotten.. i wonder why she is so unwilling to talk to me the few times i buzzed her on msn..

some updates in my life.. went to nepal and new delhi in oct08 (sucks!), kagoshima in nov08 (pleasantly surprised with how much i enjoyed the trip with the place and then judo kids), the siblings came in for cny09 with their partners and we had a really good outing at the photo studio.. a new family portrait now hangs in the living room.. the entire family with spouse and kids now greet visitors as they step into the house..

work wise... the useless bum of a boss is still hopelessly inadequate.. incompetent.. and totally irrelevant.. its amazing how he manage to cling on to his job thus far.. in any other organisation.. a straight red card would've been flashed in his face.. he isn't even getting a verbal warning right now.. much less a yellow card....

my involvement in the asian youth games 2009 has taken on a more positive twist.. the portfolio is more in my hands now and i do enjoy the dynamics of the team somewhat.. so its all well and good in the work front.. the usual disturbances and quarrels with the martial arts group surfaces every once in a while but its not something which is too tricky to handle or to address properly...

music wise.. its been a barren desert for the past 3-4 years.. there had been no new pieces.. no meaningful crests.. no inspiration to write... no writing.. no singing.. no jiving.. no grooving.. its just a dead town as far as damon the writer is concerned.. i really do wish i can do more with this music front but nothing's happening right now when i pick up my six string fren.. i really wish some thunderbolt of lightning that is very frightening indeed will give me a jolt of inspiration and kickstart this entire soul lifting facade of my life...

“Oh here it comes, this funny feelin again, winding me up inside” - Van Halen

Jacques Grande??

yesh.. north to the land of pompous windbags.. a siren sings of emotions drifting back into the state of mind.. it is seemingly bizarre to chance upon someone from eons ago in your memory giving you their birthday wishes on a platform that you dun realise exist till about the time the sun rises previously... deep inside oneself you were convinced that the fire is raging on and the ill feelings extended as a result of a deep hurt.. that we apparently gone..

one then cannot help but wonder about the kinda hurt that you have caused.. the kind of damage inflicted upon someone young.. impressionable.. who brought nothing to the table initially but a heart that is eager to love.. arms that yearn to hold their true love.. yet you have let the person down over and over again.. mired yourself in events that breaks down the social order and tested the boundaries of sanity..

its extremely liberating to read about the hurt that has seeped so deep into someone's heart that they are still smarting from it 730 days on and while one was happily swimming around in the military college with the may queen..

this world really makes for interesting lab tests.. to be administered by whichever beings are being sustained by traces of water on mars..

ratrace

took some time out to reflect upon the rat race.. i had been waylaid in the past by unrealistic notions of the flights of fantasies but realise right now it is never too late to start all things on a fresh page..

i need to break out of a certain mould that pple dictate me by and start living my life the way i want to live it...

Morphin'

changes.. 7 months.. 3 re-organisations.. zero changes.. for now.. new faces have come.. lots of old faces have left.. many gaps still exist.. many newcomers have filled positions and are grasping at the air now for directions and control.. which is sorely lacking..

can i say something is wrong here? i do not wholeheartedly think so but common sense awaken me otherwise.. well.. if there's nothing wrong... something ain't right either.. its a weird paradoxical situation.. you see nothing wrong yet have the sneaky suspicion that right things are not exactly around either..

the k-ok session has heightened my attachment to certain factions within the shitezahole... good or bad.. i really have no sense.. plunging head first into an unknown entity has always been a feature of my past efforts (or mistakes) but i really do not know what to make of this vastness right now.. lots had been said about the pillar in this place but nothing is cast in stone or offers concrete foundations and background..

loving zero is looking groovier by the day and yet.. the handphone shop's massive frontage also has its draw.. the ability to generate positive vibes and melody also impressed the royal reptile into admiration and delight..

there is also the aerosmith factor at work here.. nothing more nothing less.. lots lying around in waiting but i've come to realise its never really worth it.. bret michaels has said it succintly before remarking that the best things in life ain't free..

the session's next thursday.. hope everything flies off to a rousing event.. working with mr lalas on the actual verbal delivery by the leader.. its a magnified version of the 3 month stint..

history however.. shall NOT repeat itself... hallelujah~!!

Nothing left to do but...

....RUN RUN RUN!!

house upon the hill? more like at the foot of the hill..
moon is lying still? dude.. it moves faster than schumacher on ice..
shadows of the trees.. seriously.. let me know wat time and i can let you know wat kinda shadow manz
witnessing the wild breeze.. er.. why is a witness necessary?

anyways.. after the smart aleck contrived comments about one good individual we shall all confer the title of the royal reptile.. let us take stock of life and ponder.. why are we here? being all libated and loose with words.. yet rattle on with nary a hint of remorse and regret of wat we've done and the kind of hurt we've caused particular inividuals.. we have done severe soul depleting excuses of deeds but tat doesnt mean we should go on being the bastardious self of lies.. deceit and self exhaultion.. woe befall those who subscribe to this school of tot..

for the record... i shall move on.. i carry upon my shoulders burden of emotions but in order for my cosmic mate to seek true joy.. i shall graciously step back and let nature take its warped conceited devious course...

Kimchi Numbing Nuances..

The Laughs

its been a really really long time since i was able to belt out a hearty laughter and enjoy my moment and take stock of life.. there had been sporadic bursts of happiness and joy but no over-arching sense of wild abandonment.. having said that.. there are no moments of extreme downs as well...

so its all well balanced and fine.. no highs.. no lows.. but being a man of a emotionally wide spectrum.. this can be a unfulfilling state of being.. yet this is what most seek out to achieve from the day we bellow and cry out having just been delivered by our sweet mum in labour..

i wish i can find the peaceful state of being to be contented and joyful and yet this fool just want to seek a high.. a mountain to climb and squeeze the mortal life out of.. to scale the peaks of wishful sins and burrow in the joy of deep seated happiness...

god help me find this plain.. i cant complain

Spring Cleaning - Same Old Same Old

"There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
And when she gets there she knows if the stores are closed
With a word she can get what she came for

she's buying a stairway to heaven

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
And you know sometimes words have two meanings
In a tree by the brook there's a songbird who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven

And she's buying a stairway to heaven

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west
And my spirit is crying for leaving
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees
And the voices of those who stand looking

And she's buying a stairway to heaven

And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forest will echo with laughter

And it makes me wonder

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow
Don't be alarmed now
It's just a spring clean for the May Queen

Yes there are two paths you can go by
but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on

Your head is humming and it won't go
in case you don't know
The piper's calling you to join him

Dear lady can't you hear the wind blow
and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll

And she's buying a stairway to heaven"

Led Zeppelin, Stairway To Heaven

Roll Call

if ever there was a roll call for he who is a b'stard.. please take down my name and call it out first.. i am with a really sweet gal.. granted.. she aint expressive.. is not so worldly wise.. and doesnt quite bark up my tree of beliefs and values.. but she has a sincere heart to offer.. and what am i doin here? longing for one that i've lost.. pining for someone tat was in my history and missing someone who once warm my bed and filled my heart with passion.. wait a minute.. she still does.. the flames for her still burns bright and strong...

what can i do about it? apparently not much.. we spoke about this and i realised that the may queen is probably happier without me by her side.. i do not feel the same way but if she's better off this way... so be it.. cos the greatest love is selfless and i think i am beginning to realise something that my mama fren told me oh so many moons ago.. the person u settle down with is not someone whom you love the most.. if tat is the case.. its a bonus rather than being the way life intended it to be..

2 ways to look at this.. first.. tats probably the reason why there are so many cases of affairs and extra marital mambo jumbo out there.. another way to see this is that man will always be man.. never satisfied.. its the constant state of longing for wat you dun have tat drives billionaires to strive hard and achieve things in this lifetime... good... bad.. i can't say right now... all i know is.. i feel.. therefore i am sad..

Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo

not referring to the feel good contrived animated movie here.. though i have to admit to enjoying the sequence where mice become horses, pumpkin becoming coach.. tats a different story altogether... wat we have here is a bunch of guys looking wild and tough yet dishing out cheese metal fare.. or rather.. the fare i was exposed to were the diary product..

what am i trying to say here? i really dunno.. there is no winter in singapore and yet i cant deny the cold empty feeling i am feeling within my heart with this void.. its weird how i am not alone and yet i feel lonely..

am i comparing?
not at all..

do i miss someone?
i most certainly do..

am i missing her for the right reason?
probably..

does she know that?
most definitely not..

do i want to let her know?
not in a million years!

is that the right thing to do?
dun really want to be around to find out..

though someone might be there to nurse me back to health.. the system is breaking down.. the set up is crumbling.. the lack of a common path is tiring for me to keep up with.. the need to constantly gear myself towards a different thrust every other day wears my soul away and slides my spirit toward decay.. the non-existent common alignment beats down upon my morale and ebb away at my resolve to stand firm..

familiar ground this...

The Nectar Of Life

milk beckons as she blows hot and cold.. its almost bizarre that someone crowds you with emotionally unnecessary overtures one minute and keep you at arm's length the next.. adults needs sense i've always said..

having said that.. i realised that some milk originating beings out there are longing for a royal reptilian reprieve and yet is afraid to face the full scale magnitude of deep seated emotions to effectively quash any inherent inertia...

wat am i saying here? nothing major except the wish that people will open up when necessary and stop being a slave to the system.. cos i won't be the one left behind..

Perfect Strangers

anyone remembers the tv series starring bronson pinchot as this weird greek fella? i cant even remember the name of the actor who played koosern larry... anyways.. not important though.. i had a lot of laughs with these sitcoms from the 80s and early 90s.. growing pains was my favourite.. and i did not realise it starred a young leonardo di carprio till i went to wikipedia to read more about the series.. who cares? dun like the fugly chap with the weird shaped head anyways..

growing up... i had loads of memories of my youth.. i honestly grew up fat and awkward and having a really low self esteem.. where i am today is the work of the men in green plus a steely resolve to keep myself in shape both mentally and physically.. however.. i remembered myself laughing a lot as a kid.. having loads of fun playing badminton with my cousin.. shooting a few hoops with the young guns.. riding them bicycle to the kopi tiam while skipping lessons at vjc.. those were awkward growing up years where female company is lacking and yet i found a lot of joy.. that was also the time i started picking up the six string fren and strummed away furiously while blasting the hi-fi with hard rocking sounds.. its ironic how when feline creatures are in the equation tats when a lot more uncertainties arise..

having said tat.. why am i complaining? i am having so much fun right now.. frens have rallied around me and laid forth lots of opportunities.. most surprisingly coming from totally new frens.. its times like these when u realise a sincere heart touches the most sincere pple.. who see certain values and kindness in you.. who believe in you enough to trust their circle of frens with you.. to these pple.. i have to say.. i would not let you down and i will prove worthy of your faith.. collectively.. individually or otherwise..

these frens won't get to read this though.. tis page is only for the privileged few..

Holy Male Society Add Oil~!!

has it only been 2 weeks..? seems like ages ago manz.. and things have been great.. the feeling is less about recovering from sorrow but from fatigue.. everything else being equal.. it has been liberating and i have had a lot more time for my own stuffs.. finally finished my grisham book tat has been lying on the table for weeks.. actually planned a trip into KL but found no kakis for the trip up and decided not to drive alone for 4 hours.. have to give it pass and mix it up with the shittybankers some other time then.. maybe i'm becoming shittybankers-adverse.. with the unwelcomed saturday night phone call from someone who obviously don't have much of a life but to gossip and spin tales.. and this is a dude who's been out of the organisation for more than half a year.. muahahahaha.. weirdz...

work has been trickling in at a constant pace.. i mean.. how fast can things go here..? hahaha.. but then again.. there have been 2 major cases this week which required immediate attention and which.. surprisingly.. DID receive immediate attention from the various departments.. am i impressed? not quite.. but at least i now know some work do get done around here.. oh well.. talking about work at 10pm at home is not something i want to do right now..

went to watch a basketball "c" division boys 3rd 4th placing match today.. it was between anglican high school and jurong secondary.. AHS lost by 8 points.. very disappointing match as the boys seem to play without much soul.. i heard they played their hearts out the day before in the well attended semi finals though.. must have been quite energy sapping as it was only 24 hours earlier.. the standard of play was very high.. the boys really ran up and down the court at such a high speed and exhibited wonderful technical abilities..

watching the match made me realise how freaking old i am.. imagine... when i was cheering on our AHS "c" division match while actually being of "c" division age... these kids werent even sperm yet... their parents might not even have met yet!! they were only conceived when i was bearing arms defending my country.. wow..

Non Flying Dutchman

"Oh here it comes again
That funny feeling again
Winding me up inside
Every time we touch

Hey I don't know
Just tell me where to begin
Cause I never ever
Felt so much

No I can't recall
Any love at all
Baby this blows em all away

It's got what it takes
So tell me why can't this be love
(You want it) Straight from the heart
Oh tell me why can't this be love

I tell myself
Hey only fools rush in
And only time will tell
If we stand the test of time

All I know
You've got to run to win
And I'll be damned if I get hung up on the line

Tell me why can't this be love
Baby why can't this be love
Got to know why can't this be love
I wanna know why can't this be loooooove~!!"

- Van Halen, Why Can't This Be Love

GI Joe

while we're still mired in the subject of full circle... seems like not too long ago 2 friends gave me a birthday card dedicated to one who loves a popular breakfast item tat usually comes with maple syrup with a freaking unhealthy dallop of butter on it.. oooh.... which brings to mind my current situation really..

now i am staring at a supposed valley again and i realised it is not so.. cos there's no valley to be found on this plateau of pain.. valley seem to suggest a low point vis-a-vis some higher ground but i really dun see it as such.. its a consistently flat plain when you're on the up... only to tread wearily on a flat terrain in search of the next up.. its not as bleak as it sounds cos at least u aint working against gravity.. and you are not experiencing a situation where the light of day escapes you.. and you sure as hell am not tumbling downwards into the dark abyss of insanity..

bed of roses he wailed out high
bed of nails his body lie
proclaiming religious tri-partite
draw them near as his soul fight
tonight
i am merry amongst the plentitude
while maggots fiend remind me of solitude

Heavy Helium

"Hey, girl, stop what youre doin!
Hey, girl, youll drive me to ruin.
I dont know what it is that I like about you,
But I like it a lot.

Wont let me hold you,
Let me feel your lovin charms.

Communication breakdown,
Its always the same,
Im having a nervous breakdown,
Drive me insane!

Hey, girl, I got something I think you ought to know.
Hey, babe, I wanna tell you that I love you so.
I wanna hold you in my arms, yeah!
Im never gonna let you go,cause I like your charms.

I want you to love me all night...

I want you to love me all night
I want you to love me
I want you to love...yeah!
I want you to love!"

Communication Breakdown - Led Zeppelin

Jumping Frogs

you know they made one sequel too many when an hour into the movie.. u kept wondering to urself wat the hell the leads got themselves into signing up for this.. its the money tat pays the bill probably but does someone with serious superstar clout need to resort to this? fyi.. this chap has enough weight behind his name to command his talentless fugly kid to star in some high profile HK action movie currently in cinemas.. but then again.. its the freaking hongkees.. who cares? they can implode for all i care..

perhaps this is a parallel to the fact tat pple should really know when to stop.. when to call it quits.. when to step away from the limelight.. cantona will always be a freaking legend on the field.. cos he stopped trying to impress once he's attained a certain level of success.. its not like the original none cheapbuy 23.. retiring and trying out at first baseball.. and then golf.. failing miserably on both counts only to step into the old ring again and falling spectacularly with those whose names are ironically called the wizards..

calling it quits when you're on top of the game.. first.. you HAVE to be on top of the game..

Von Trapp Bed Time Tune

wasnt that long ago that i thought i didnt have to say this to anybody anymore
and now here i am
listening to myself speak the very words
its senseless.. i dun understand.. and dun even want to try to start to understand it

so long.. farewell..

Lion King

its just weird how everything comes full circle.. u did it when u were 23.. now u're 32.. and its all happening again.. u fall in love.. get to know a person.. got together.. got along for a while.. familiarity breeds contempt.. u get angry.. u forgive.. u kiss and make up.. u drive each other nuts again.. u make up.. the circle goes on.. the proximity suffers as a result.. u talk but dun speak.. u meet but dun see each other.. u hug but dun touch.. u hold hands while being disjointed.. then u guys spar verbally and over the smallest issue.. decree that its important enough to forge a permanent wall..

tats the grand scheme of life in many dimensions and directions.. for pple like ourselves who are emotionally challenged.. there are those who treasure their personal freedom and yet is so miserable being alone.. there are those who love a union but loathes the handcuffs tat accompany a properly instituted state of being.. there are those who go crazy after 10 mins being alone and just jump the gun at the next thing tat comes along.. good bad or otherwise..

having wasted so much time for the past 19 months.. i really think i should be alone for the meantime.. take some time off.. do the things i really wanna do when i'm alone.. read a book.. continue to write my songs... put a band together.. improve on my soccer game.. which i hope will be in order considering i'm kicking balls around with really skilful individuals.. get really fit and make a difference in my own personal life..

moving on is always tough but i am inclined to think tat i've always been able to do it a lot better with less emotional baggage than a lot of my peers.. not tat i am putting myself on a pedestal and declaring myself being holier than thou.. far from it.. its just tat i am glad my mental resolve and capabilities tell me a lot more than just to be mired in emotionally irrational thoughts..

having said tat.. boy i am only human.. woo hoo hoo hoo...

in the jungle the mighty jungle the *sic* (lizard king) sleeps tonight

Simply Slow Commanderie

wow.. snail's pace best describe how things are done here at my new organisation.. its a refreshing change from the brown waste financial institution.. yeah and the folks here sweat it out almost every day over the energy topping hour.. by kicking a ball around.. or throwing another in a hoop.. or just slipping on those track shoes and running away.. its not the organisation tat promotes a sporting lifestyle for nothing you know.. which begs the question.. dun this pple eat? yeah they sure.. though not at the official lunch hour.. its literally on the eleventh hour.. followed by 2 hours of rest before kicking the inflated cow's hide around.. do pple actually get any work done around here.. i should think so.. but then again.. where in hell is the darn time capsule~!!?!

first day here.. went in on the dot.. waited 45 mins for HR to attend to me.. oops.. i mean HC.. human capital management apparently.. and here i was hopeful the perks from this job was free spa treatment on my first day here.. since sports DOES promote a healthy lifestyle.. the briefing was hurried thru in about 1 sec.. ok.. i am being bitchy here.. it lasted a whopping 5 minutes.. great effort from the members of the health centre team.. thereafter.. further logisitical arrangements were made for security access and card printing.. and off i was shipped to my office.. away from the staircase tat is the stadium.. so sad that they're gonna tear this great old dame down.. i would relish the opportunity to work from within her grand belly overlooking the manificent stadium.. i digress now.. apologies

talking about the 2 ends of matt trakker's mask.. here it is presenting itself to me.. shittybang vs assasssee.. 2 organisations with completely differnet dynamics which offered me a glimpse into the human psyche.. the good and evil tat exists in both states.. it takes all kinds to make up this world perhaps.. but this is where i find pple who are down to earth.. heartland.. non pretentious.. but the lack of ambition does stick out like a sore thumb.. gimme this situation anytime baybee.. i'm enjoying it now.. stay tuned.. shall stick around for a while.. no truman show dimensioned entertainment though..

Monocalifragilisticexpialidocious

well... there's nothing atrocious about this.. its just the very monotonous and still life that i am leading right now.. keep wondering how i can snap out of this state and move forward.. i think i really need the thrust to keep me on my toes and not sit down here.. waste my time and idle my life away.. its bad.. at a time when pple are starting to take root.. i am starting to rot.. i need a jolt out of this existence..

was at eatgold street last friday.. wasnt as fun as i expected it.. the music was pretty good but the crowd left a lot to be desired.. too much shitez floating around on the dance floor.. no wonder i feel like committing murder on the dance floor.. having said that.. there were also too many arms-crossing-head-bopping-me-too-cool-to-jive mudder farkers standing around.. seem like the riverside haunt is attracting its fair share of pretenders lately.. not tat i mind terribly.. but it does take a bit of the kick out of the spin around action lizardking action figure.. which interestingly hasn't surfaced for months.. no prizes for guessing why..

International

wow.. its been 3 months of bumming around and the bank account is really suffering as a result.. damn.. i really need to reverse the situation if i'm really gotta live my life as a normal functioning 32 yr old adult.. stem the rot.. ride the wave.. up from the ashes i rise..

life has been tough over the past 2 years.. i've done a lot to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back.. its really difficult trying to move forward when i keep shooting myself in the foot over and over again.. why do i hv to make my life so difficult? why cant i just be normal.. and be like everyone else? why do i have to be here?

up up and away.. no wonder i'm so intrigued by supes.. i wanna rise up up and away.. kal-el help me..

Lines

Wow.. the lappie is certainly being consumed by electronica-cancer.. multiple lines are being formed on the screen and its spreading by the day.. it started innocently with a red line down the left of the screen and has since developed into a series of different color lines of different patterns and variations.. my visuals are starting to get impeded and its high time i do something about this...

doing something about it.. there's always this inertia in my life followed by a blind burst forward tat is taking me nowhere.. loads have moved far ahead of me and here i am still trying to justify the reason why i am running around like a kampong chicken being slain for the night's dining pleasures.. running around headless and directionless.. trying to keep alive while ultimately knowing demise of some kind is near.. perhaps the other plain of existence is the comfort zone and solace being sought by the kind poultry friend of ours.. we shall see...

caught a web slinging movie tonight.. its amazingly emotional for a super hero movie but i'm sure there are many in the audience who can relate to the many human dimensions being displayed and possibly presented for discussion here.. boy girl.. friendship.. family.. greed.. fame and glory.. failures.. career building.. revenge.. etc etc.. there are lots to think about as i lay my head down tonight on my sleepy pillow.. god help me sleep thru the night please.. its been a while since i last manage that..

That's Life

"That's wat all the people say
You're sinking low in April
Rise up in May

Though the lessons been learnt
The memories in me
Shall always remain"
-Teasiyong, 2007

So the grand scheme of things have come full circle.. we're coming back into the realm of serving the multitudes.. i've learnt a lot over the past 3 months of time away from the brown waste financial institution.. catching up with ex-colleagues had been liberating.. the stories they told me made me realise why i am so glad i am out of this whole mess and yet.. with a tinge of melancholy.. i really wish these frens can be away from these pain and strife tat dictates the majority of their waking hour spent in the office.. damn..

seriously.. the more things changed the more the stay the same.. just take last sunday's football activities as an example.. i still can't pass.. shoot.. dribble.. but i love the beautiful game.. and have the fitness to partake of the rigours sans the skills.. kinda like the stigma tat has dogged me in my life... always there with a passion but somehow falling short of personal expectations in terms of performance and ability to shine.. perhaps tats the way life path has dictated for me.. i wish not for this to happen.. but destiny may spell a different walkway from wat i've intended..

live and let live...

Random Quiet Thoughts

this is a not too private quiet thoughts moment.. there are lots of things coming into my mind.. no less thoughts about the past.. about what could have been.. should have been.. and what is.. we've been through enough of life's journey to take stock of wherever we are right now and yet are still too raw to command any reasonable and just respect with our outlook and perception..

as far as career is concerned.. everything's a mess right now.. putting too many eggs into the same basket has backfired dramatically for me.. i'm still trying to pick up the pieces of this mini explosion and steer the ship on.. but its tough.. mentally tiring.. and psychologically challenging to move ahead at this juncture.. i have came to this ground where i have considered giving it all up and becoming part of the system.. what is wrong with that? lots of contradictory random thoughts floating around in my head... these are keeping me up most nights where i have fitful bouts of sleep and wake up zombified and unfulfilled.. yet i am not doin anything about it.. i kept asking myself.. what can i do about it? is whatever i am doin enough? is it the right thing to do? should i keep on hitting my head in this general direction? should i believe?

in oh so many moons ago.. a temporary alliance was forged between 3 very different individuals bounded together by a common love for music.. the conversational trail bordered on the comical with one member dead set on naming the union after a macabre act of examining dead bodies to ascertain cause of death.. blood on blood.. one on one.. now bobby's an uptown lawyer.. and danny's a medicine man? not quite.. but yes.. we've all grown up sufficiently to contemplate moments like Mr Bongiovi did.. now.. i am not a singer in a long haired rock and roll band but i did harvest dreams like those long ago.. they always say life takes you full circle but aint it freaking tiring and pointles running around in circles? just like the poor arse hamster running in the wheel within their cage man.. aren't we all like that if we are talking about the circle of life?

certain wisdoms do transcend the dimensions of time and fickleness of human dynamics..

take heed now..

"Quiet thought come floating down
And settle softly to the ground
Like golden autumn leaves around my feet
I touched them and they burst apart with sweet memories
Sweet memories"
- Memories, Elvis Presley

Its Magic~!!

one would think turning 32 would have a special significance.. however.. the mood is subdued.. low key.. depressing even.. and no.. i 'm not suffering from those syndrome where sad individuals refuse to grow old gracefully.. in the ageing department.. i think i am doing a wonderful job.. or so i would like to think.. hahahaha...

in the overall scheme of things.. one can say this is a new low.. which is weird considering the kinda things i had goin on for me previously.. why am i caught in this situation? i really have no idea wat went wrong.. actually.. to phrase it correctly.. i do know what went wrong.. just dunno why it had to go wrong..

on a positive note.. i have my family.. the princess and my bro surrounding me in my life.. its all good and i should really be thankful for all these blessings i have.. i AM thankful.. just that i really wish i can dig myself out of this desperate situation pretty soon.. the magic number is just about the right time to set sail on a permanent course to be taken.. god forbid i end up on the man eating island as depicted in the life of pi.. scary shitez..

"Crash and burn
To live again
Up from the ashes I rise"
- Crash and Burn, Don Dokken

Johann Sebastian??

its been a really long time since i was last inspired to write with sarcastic wit.. seems like a stint at the shittybank have drained me of a lot of inspirations.. now that i have a lot of time on my hand to do things.. i still find it very difficult to pick it all up and start blabbering nonsense all over again.. so i did the right thing and picked up old jimmy boy's poetry collection again.. seems like every time i revisit those pages.. something different came out of it.. today was no different.. i realised randomness and chaos theory rules in his form.. there are no definite patterns and broad subject matter tat captures his heart and mind at the point of writing.. he just.. wrote..

so my latest craze is toys.. boys and their toys.. i dun think i will ever become a hardcore collector cos its too much effort for very superficial things.. having said that.. i read superman red son last nite and was so struck by the creative minds of those who pen the story and managed to squeeze in the different characters from superman's world into a totally different setting and existence..

i'm sure all of us.. at one point of time or another.. have pondered about "what ifs".. we're born into a different family.. in a different country.. did different things.. blah blah blah.. so here i am now pondering the what ifs.. i realised that the greatest regret i have in my life is quitting my first job so soon.. life would have been very different.. having said that.. i tot back about the way i was brought up and realised that staying salaried would never be an option.. but going forward with tat certain commitment and thrust escapes me.. i am just not so motivated to develop those abdominal muscles anymore.. i dunno why.. i sometimes wish things havent gone tat horribly wrong 24 moons ago.. but i've crash and burnt and yet to rise up from the ashes.. ala mr dokken.. i pray for the strength to pry myself away from tat heap..

a life of music is wat i always hoped for myself.. lack of talent meant that i will have to concentrate elsewhere in this sphere.. maybe setting up an instrument shop.. (a dime a dozen everywhere).. selling stuff related to music.. (loads of huge conglomerates thriving there and drowning out the small boys + internet piracy).. i would love to be involved creatively but (1) the options are few and (2) my talent is lacking.. wat to do? fall back into the cogwheel and become a part of the system..

"I won't be the one left behind

You can't be king of the hill

If you're slave to the grind"

- Skid Row (Pre Gilmore Girls Days), Slave to the Grind

Simply Febulous

Wow.. went to a reunion of sorts today and all was so FAMILY... kids around the house.. marriage on the cards.. so weird.. sitting around with all these adultsey kinda pple while their lives still remain rather irrelevant.. the man who tried too hard was talking about being married for 2 years.. getting his parents to pay for the wedding (omigosh~!!) and telling us that if we see him on the streets.. we should acknowledge the fact that he is single.. what is this manz?

which is why the second part of the evening was such a welcome and extremely pleasant relief.. popped over to frankel at princess's uncle's house.. (yes.. you read correctly.. double astrophe within a sentence) the sanity of all the family merriment around me really made me so glad to partake of all these positive karma that flows freely around me.. the family warmth and cheers rounded up my evening in a oh so perfect way that i felt compelled to pen my tots here tonite..

so my sis is away for 2 days locked away in the southern tip island that is sentosa.. miss rubbing my stubble against my niece's belly and hearing her giggles that are a decibel or 2 too loud for my ageing ears.. but she is simply adorable and i am confident she will grow up to be a real fine lady.. possessing the best that the east and west has to offer~!!

i like~!! you like? Tjenkiu~!!

2007

wow.. december is a forgotten month for this blog.. so sorry~!! lots of things have happened since the last blog.. no less a very enjoyable trip to europe with the princess.. went to london to visit andre and keith.. went paris and then made a very pleasant trip to barcelona as well..

the new year was 2 working weeks before i plonked myself back into the office... so much has changed~!! and so little has been accomplished on my end.. wow.. things really do move fast in citi and if we dun move along quickly.. woe be unto us.. and there are tons of catching up to do.. but its kinda fun.. i realised that the human relations there are getting superficial.. one part of the fantastic foursome has fallen completely off the radar and the jessica alba amongst us has morphed into a full fledged citibanker.. very into the job and moving along fine.. the firekid is supposedly on huge flames this month but tat has been doused a bit by unwilling companies and unsupportive infrastructure.. thing has become a THING of the past.. becoming totally aloof and unfriendly.. lots of pple have noticed the difference and i simply could not be bothered trying to reach out to him anymore..

coming back from the trip and stepping into the office yet again has enlightened me as to who my real frens in this dept are.. those whom i'd regarded as dear frens hv disappointed me and those tat i did not hold in certain regard has amazingly turned around and proved themselves to be worthy frens.. tats life i guess.. u never know wat the next step pple around you are gonna take.. wat they are going to turn into.. and wat the hell they are thinking~!! watching your own back is probably the best way to go.. i dun really care.. once i pack up my bags here.. most here will be a distant memory anyways..

maybe the von trapp kids should be going to bed soon.....

Shelter Me

oh you poor abandoned blog.. its been a month since i last updated anything in you.. i seem to lack the ability to rattle on and on nowadays.. the inspiration to be sarcastic and satarical has also left me and i simply lack the mood to write anything interesting anymore.. but here i am.. already filling you up with one paragraph of nothing at all...

work had been slow.. thoughts of heading out the door are getting stronger and stronger and i have actually spoken to the boss about the terrible environment we roobamates find ourselves in.. got my first bite and stab last week and felt terrible.. this coming from a person who has always position herself as a fren more than a colleek and it kinda sucks to have this type of sucker punch thrown your way that knocks the wind out of your system.. i always think there's a better way to make money and wats the point of all this stabbing.. false smiles.. conniving attitudes and behaviours..

maybe i'm too self righteous and noble at the end of the day eh? oh well..

SeaShells

so the first roadshow is out of the way now... its been a mixed bag emotionally today.. things were looking good prior to the roadshow until i realised the entire senior management team at the company was out for engagements one way or another.. first blow.. and.. no more.. hahaha.. glad to note that this was the only blow of the day.. other than tat.. all's well thereafter.. although the results were not wat i expected.. but why the hell am i thinking about work at this juncture? i really need to unwind and relax for a bit after all that's been said and done...

watched a weirdly moving movie yesterday with the partner.. its a local movie and i went to the theatre expecting the usual hokkien spouting pseudo gangster heartlander tug at your strings kinda movie but was poignantly surprised by the strong message it sent out to me.. this plus something i experienced in a very emotional way at tanglin camp on sunday.. a piece about the different systems in existence within the society.. the regiment.. the corporate world.. and religion.. i realised to some extent how caught up i am right now in my work.. how consumed i am with achieving my targets that i have lost touch with certain human aspects of my existence.. heck.. when i picked up my guitar and strummed to her.. i realised how void of emotions i am towards my trusty instrument.. how totally blank my soul is right now.. so what if i am making lots of moola at the end of the day? i am compromising too much of myself to really tell myself i can be totally happy..

which is why it is damn confusing.. cos i love my job to the core.. the challenges are something that i truly relish and the friendly competition being waged on a daily basis drives me onto plains and dimensions i never knew existed.. i am excited.. i look forward to being in the office everyday.. i embrace all tat is coming my way work wise and yet i feel i am losing my soul bit by bit.. i dunno how to place a finger on all these.. perhaps being blessed with a state of not having to worry about my very existence allows me the space to question wat i hope to achieve with this existence.. i am thankful for the position i find myself in.. and yet remained unsettled emtionally and spiritually to truly define an equilibrium state of being..

after all that's been said and done.. i can't wait to step into the office tomolo morning.. the spring in my step.. the phone calls.. aiyaiyai.. i love this game..